


Spaces between

by Cryigen



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU: Highschool, Anxiety, Castiel is Deans brother, Drugs, Emotional Manipulation, First Kiss, First Love, First Time, High School, Hunters & Hunting, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Michael is Sams brother, No Wincest, No age gap, Panic Attacks, Romance, Sam as Bobby's son, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Soulless Sam Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-15 13:27:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5786845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cryigen/pseuds/Cryigen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam Singer is sixteen years old, in near future seventeen. Along with his school life he thinks about his future, leaving romance and a relationship out. Love was never once a thing for Sam until a handsome  guy shows up in his class, introducing himself as the 'newcomer'.<br/>With that a whole bunch of emotions is starting to spread again. But not only the good ones.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Love

**Author's Note:**

> Well this one is a story about a alternative universe in which Sam and Dean aren't related by blood. Castiel is Deans little step brother after John remarried.  
> The age gap between Sam and Dean isn't that big, only two years so I could come up with a possible scenario. u.u  
> Hunting will still take place in the story!  
> I hope you'll enjoy reading it! Feel free to leave comments or Kudos ^u^!

Sam never had once questioned his sexuality. Well, most of the time it wasn't even needed. He had never had a girlfriend nor had ever shared a particular interest in girls in general. It was more like they kept existing parallel to him but they didn't find any matching interests or could entertain each other basically. Sam kept thinking that he could live without romantic interactions, even though his friends talk about their experiences with the other gender all the time. Sometimes he had questioned his own sexual preferences, but had fastly learned that boys couldn't do either. Since it hasn't bothered him any way he just continued living the normal high school life.  
And indeed he was smart, had an average amount of friends and outdoor activities. His friday nights contained some books and classic movies and sometimes he went to some parties. One could say that Sam was ordinary to the core, but still a bit of an exceptionally intellectual teenager. Since he was turning seventeen soon he started to overthink his goals he had yet to achieve, unbounded by relationships and responsibilities. Looking forward to a bright future, preferably at Stanford. His family had no financial problems and his parents were willing to afford their son a great future. Even though they kept insisting on financing Sams college plans, he started to work at a cafe and saved money himself.  
So how could there be any possible time for love? That topic was basically out of question, it wasn't important any way.  
But yet, he kept staring at the enormous handsome looking boy who had entered his classroom a few minutes ago. He was tall and his stand… Sam lost his mind as he deepened the gaze into the eyes of the other. Such beautiful greenish eyes. Small wrinkles were emphasizing them and with every smile the boy had given, his dimples were getting deeper.  
Unconsciously his hand moved up to his cheek and he was leaning forward, eager to catch another glimpse of the adorable grin of the other. Those beautiful curvy lips were able to stroke such seductive movements. Following their lines ran chills across Sams spine and he desperately tried to loosen up his gaze which only drove him deeper and deeper in excitement. Physically and mentally.  
He took a deep breath and pulled his gaze away, slowly realizing what he had done the last past minutes. Staring at a stranger like some enchanted teenie girl. He hoped instantly that he hadn't goofed or something like that.  
His heart pounded like crazy, reassuring his veins to pump fresh blood throughout his body again. Trying to keep calm he took a deep breath and stretched his back. Inconspicuously he moved his head again and searched for the boy. Even though he had distracted him so much Sam was still curious about the new guy and longed to learn something about him too. Still kinda nervous he stood up and went up the classway, acting like he wanted to refill his water bottle at the sink. Still his focused gaze was directed to the new guy, who obviously didn't notice himself beeing circled like a prey. Sam was so overwhelmed by his feelings that he couldn't imagine acting any other possible way. The new guy influenced Sam like a magnet attracting a screw and he knew if he could just closen up the space, he would hear his voice. Deep and straight directed towards Sam and only Sam.  
He blushed as he figured out his stupid behaviour. Going all over the edge didn't suit him very well. It just wasn't how 'normal' Sam would react and so he gulped and went back to his seat, waiting for the teacher to arrive and to introduce Sams Nemesis.

-

"Ok guys that is Dean Winchester. He's going to study at our school from now on and I would appreciate if you greet him with open arms.  
Dean please introduce yourself to the class."  
The small and little chubby teacher looked even worse standing next to Dean, which was a perfect fitting name for the handsome guy by the way, Sam thought.

"Hello. I'm… uhm Dean. I'm 18 and well that's all I gotta say." He gave the teacher a cheeky grin who pointed towards an empty seat at the window.  
Luckily Sams seat was next to it and he slightly smirked as he felt a warm feeling of winning.

A girl in the front row rose her hand and signalised the teacher that she's got a question. More or less feeling uncomfortable at standing beside Dean he nodded in her direction and stepped back, further away of the good looking guy. 

"Uhm aren't you to old to be in our grade?"  
What a stupid question, Sam thought. Dean would have his own reasons of being here. Somehow he felt irritated about the dumb girl, meddling in Deans affairs.

"Yeah. I've moved a lot in the past ten years so I kinda suck at school." There it was again, the cheeky grin and the girl blushed, which even Sam could recognize.  
And that didn't only affect the girl, the whole classroom was impressed about their new classmate. 

Sam was eagerly watching Deans steps as he walked across the room and took a seat beside him.  
He greeted Sam with a wink and threw his bag on the table. Unsure of how he should react Sam nodded firkboard, hoping he wouldn't create an awkward atmosphere.  
It was the first time in nearly forever that he had felt that insecure about a person. His heartbeat was out of control and only with sheer forcement he suppressed a revealing blush. He sat so straight that his back started to hurt and his tense muscles were aching, while he tried focusing on the lesson.  
But still he left small glances to the left as he hoped for an encounter of their both eyes, representing Deans mutual affection towards Sam. But the only thing his curiosity showed was Dean looking outside the window with a certain sad expression on the beautiful face and promptly Sam overcame the urgent desire to grab the others hand while it seemed as he could fade away any time soon. Leaving Sam and his own confusing feelings behind, without them being ever noticed.  
Of course Sam couldn't act that way, beeing all protective about a person was kind of new to him. Never once he had felt like that and his normally calm way of thinking didn't worked out no more. Irrational and stupid, yet full of excitement and a certain warmth, which comforted all of his body.  
His mind went all crazy about Dean, longing for a intimacy Sam never had dreamed about.  
Was that feeling 'love'? Wasn't it supposed to be limiting his usual lifestyle and hindering him reaching out to his goals? Yet he had never once felt so inspired, so emotional and sure about something, leaving all anxieties behind.  
Full of strength he moved his head, looking at Dean packed up with all the emotions he had and certain to convey his feelings. And they were answered. Dean stared back with all that passion in his eyes, giving Sam the feeling of being able to fly. The moment was enchanted. The sparks between them were filling the whole room and slowly their hearts started to connect. 

''What ya starin' at? Got something on my face or what?" Dean said harshly ripping Sam out of his dream with no single sign of mercy.  
And like that Sams mind went clear again as he discovered the horrible character of that person. He immediately regretted the devotion he had felt a second ago, reducing Dean on his outer appearance.  
'Yeah', he thought. Moving his sight towards the blackboard and focusing back on reality. The magic was gone and so was Sams foolish mind change about love, which was additionally crap.

-

"Dean you shouldn't skip classes! Mom and Dad will be mad at you" The small 7th grader yelled, pouting and frowning at Dean, hoping to convey one single bit of guilt.  
After the horrible first lesson Sam had witnessed he went to the vending machine and discovered Dean leaving the school ground, quickly followed by that tiny shrimp. The boy was wearing a trenchcoat which was obviously too big for his tiny stature.

"Holy crap. Cut it out Cas! It got nothin' to do with you. Just leave me alone already!" Dean waved his hand in annoyance. The boy didn't step back one bit and crossed his arms in anger. 

"If you're aren't going to return I'm coming with you!" He shouted out and walked towards Dean who was obviously troubled. Sam just watched the scene and started giggling as he thought 'serves you right.'  
Dean let out a huge grumble and walked back into the school building, while the shrimp smiled triumphantly. 

-

"Adorable little brother you have there." Sam said with a smirk on his face, enjoying Deans annoyed expression as he stood in front of him. 

"He's not a brother, more like an intrusive insect. Just like you." Dean waved off grumpily. 

"Touché." The thought of Dean being his first 'great' love amused him after all. How could he possibly had wasted any of his courage for him. He didn't want to learn anything about that assbutt any more, his first, okay second impression was more than enough.  
Dean harshly bumped into him as he entered the classroom, ignoring the adoring gazes of the girls. He sat down on his seat again and looked outside the window, dissociated from the others. Pulling up some kind of wall between himself and the rest of the world and Sam was the last one willing to cross this border.  
He didn't want to drag himself into whatever business Dean Winchester had and like that he kept a certain distance to him. Well knowing of never wanting to experience that crappy love thing again.


	2. A Painful Reminder

Once Sam had discovered Deans true personality he wanted nothing more than to keep his distance from the new guy. That, thought Sam, was something they both wanted. Unsure of how he should react in any possible moment he was confronted with the cold, yet so beautiful green eyes, he kept reminding him which his goals were. That he would aim higher than Dean could ever reach and with that he was determined to use Dean as a symbol of what he'd never wanted to become. A self centered, egocentric asshole who was simply concerned about his own well being, leaving everyone out of his own universe. Sam on the other hand was kind, smart and always surrounded by people and that was what legitimate himself for feeling better than Dean.  
The relationship filled with hate and disinterest developed in time, cursing them both to ignore each other like eighth graders. And when that wasn't possible they kept frowning and pulling out their tongues. And deep down in Sams heart he started to enjoy it, having a somewhat personal relationship to Dean, but that he would never in hell admit.

-

Sam was leaving the classroom after cleaning it due duty. He was the last one standing in the floor, while the sky started to grew more and more orange. As promised he locked the door and went down the hallway, deepened in thoughts. Frowning and clenching his fits while he recalled Deans impossible behaviour through the whole day. It wasn't new to him, the cold, distant eyes looking outside the window spreading a somewhat lonely atmosphere. For a split second Sam had felt a little bit sad, but he was promptly interrupted by a annoyed look on Deans face. Throwing willingly down Sams pencilcase and he had smirked as Sam started to pull the pencils back togetger. He had enjoyed it. Literally like a eighth grader. And if that wasn't enough he had planted a freaking whoopee cushion on Sams seat, forcing the whole class to laugh at him after giving of a ridiculous sounding fart.  
As Sam had realised what was happening he immediately stared at Dean who was just laughing his butt of. And for a second Sam felt like laughing too, but that would have been to intimidate and that by far wasn't where their relationship, if one could call it like that, headed. He still couldn't believe how it could came this far, the mature acting Sam giggling about some bad pranks and having a sort of rival. Never once he thought about reorganizing his priorities and a stupid Dean Winchester wouldn't disrupt his future goals. Neither as a rival nor as a lover, second would never apply to them any way, Sam thought making a somewhat sad expression. 

His thoughts were interrupted by a shrill beeping sound lurking out of his bag. Sam pulled out the phone and checked the screen. His father was calling him. He lifted a eyebrow in surprise, his father would never call him during school time. More important why was he calling Sam on his 'business' phone? A frightening thought spread through his body, cursing his limbs to wobble. After a deep breath he answered the phone.

''Sam? Sam is that you?" Sam gulped, recognizing the voice of his mother. A lump started building inside his throat as he tried to calm himself down.

"Mom? Where's dad? Why are you calling me?" He heard simple crying on the other side, sniffing and searching for words. He tried to calm her down in order to receive a clear answer. This phone was inactive over the last two years as he started to distance himself from what his parents did in their spare time. Hearing it's so familiar crackling disturbed him, frightened him. Recalling so many memories he had wanted to throw away but that wasn't the time to be in shock. He concentrated. Focused on the situation which was most certainly demanding a proper resolution. 

"Your Dad was on research for a job, a friend of him had begged for help. You know Sam he wanted- wants to quit. But still he went on his own. I don't know what to do -", she started sobbing heavier and Sam slowly registered the informations, thinking about any possible scenario which came into his mind, "he just told me he would check out some old fabric house at the riverbank." Sam quickly pictured the fabric and marked all possible exits in his head and reassured his mom that he would check for his father.  
That was one hell of a evening and what bothered him the most was what his father had thought while accepting a job in his late fourties. Sam cursed him for being such a dumbass, leaving Sam and his mother behind, well knowing that they couldn't bear to loose a second one of their family.  
Sam ran over to his truck whiping away his tears as he recalled the painful memories from two years ago and he dared himself to not think about it again. Well knowing that it would tear him apart.

He leaned at the door searching for breath, because in that hopeless condition he clearly couldn't drive.  
Tears were running down his face and silent whimpers escaped his mouth. He felt so lost again and afraid to drive to the fabric finding his fathers dead body motionless on the ground and he feared what would he become, loosing someone that precious to him again. It felt ironic how he had thought that he could simply deny his past, thinking of his life and himself as normal. Because he knew exactly that he wasn't even near normal and the things he had experienced until today tied him down, no matter how hard he had tried to convince his mind that he could live happily without ever getting close bonds to a special person again.  
No matter how easy the past weeks were, no matter how much the thing with Dean had distracted him, now he was afraid again. Afraid of would happen if he wasn't simple strong enough. And he recalled their first encounter, how much enchanted he had felt by the simple beauty of those green eyes and the confidence in Deans grin. And now, after beeing thrown back to the ground, he felt a bit envious. Dean Winchester could enter the school, not forced to make bonds. Not forced to look in the eyes of the others, fearing that they might die in front of him.  
No matter how Deans life had went, Sam was sure that he had never experienced the things Sam grew up with. The guilt that was eating him up, every time the event two years ago popped up in his mind again.  
And with that he found the reason why he can't stand Dean Winchester. It was clearly unfair but still the envy devoured all his rational way of thinking and the hatred in Sams chest grew higher and higher. Fear was replaced by anger, cursing all the people who could simply be their selves and cursing Dean for letting Sam believe in normality again.  
The tension in his muscles rose and he bumped his fists against the car door, leaving behind a bump.

"What the hell are you doing? Poor thing." Sam bit his lip, losing the gaze from the bump and now staring in beautiful, mocking green eyes.  
Dean stood a few steps away from Sam, studying the scene.  
That was the last thing Sam wanted. All the anger and aggression pointed at Dean, bundling up into a glare. Dean lifted a eyebrow in surprise and let out a 'phew', moving forward to Sams side and leaned against the car. 

"So you can get furious too?" He said sarcastically.  
"Thought you were the calm and silent nagging type of guy."

Sam wasn't even near calm and only a weak voice inside his head kept him from landing a fist in Deans face. But Sam had better to do so he let it slide and opened the car door.

"Goodbye you too." Dean rolled his eyes, obviously amused by Sams suffer. "Here I was hoping to have a nice conversation once in a time." He chuckled. Why the hell was Dean chuckling?!  
Sam threw the door open again and pinned Dean against the car, glaring.

"I don't know what problems you have, but I'm not going to shit chat with an egocentric jerk like you. If you want to act all cool with ya 'lonely wolf' shit you should stop running that annoying mouth of yours and leave me the fuck alone." Sam was surprised of his own yelling voice and reaction, but was way to angry to let it be. He was clenching Dean against the car, screaming out his fear.

"Well who's playing tough now? C'mon Sammy, don't act like some bitch playing all nice and kind while ya run 'round slamming people against some shabby cars." Dean clearly enjoyed the situation and Sam could feel how his long builded anger slowly faded away. Dean was the chance to let all his fears go before he went running in a, with a bunch of fucking whatever would await him filled fabric building. And like hell he would let that chance go. His grip enhanced and he was leaning closer, putting all his anger in a single glare pointed at Dean, who was just smirking.

"Calling me a bitch? Who do you think you are? You don't know anything 'bout me. Better leave me the hell alone or I'll punch in the pretty face of yours." He was clenching his fists. Now he was just being emotional but the urge to hit Dean was boiling up.

"Aww think I'm pretty?" Deans grin was now only mocking, limiting Sam and that was reason enough.  
Sam lifted his fist, slamming it right against the cheek of Dean who spit blood.  
Hell it felt good, it felt so good. He punched Dean again and again until all his anger was gone.  
He threw one last glance at the other and entered his car. Leaving Dean alone on the park lot. Not even once he looked back. Because of satisfaction, but also because of guilt. He was right aware that he had blew of his anger at the false guy, but somehow it had helped Sam clearing his mind and for a split second he thought about how long Dean had been watching him and with what true intention he had provoked Sam. That thought though, lasted not even a second.

-

Sam exited the car and looked around the fabric ground. It had turned dark so it was kinda hard to make a clear overview. He snorted and walked to the back of his car, opening the trunk. It was long ago that he had seen the inside and barely recognized the weapons, weary books and paper scratches. He pulled out a flashlight and a deagle, searching for an old bottle with holy water. His eyes were flicking hastily and the so well known adrenaline pumped through his veins. Delivering a somewhat courageous feeling. He breathed in and out.  
The shutter of his trunk closed with a dull pop and like in the first time in forever he felt comfortable, feeling the weight of his gun in his jackets pocket.

His thoughts went back to Dean. Sam was concerned if Dean had made it out of the parking lot by now and a light sparkle of guilt crept up his spine. Whatever had Sam driven was gone by now and his only concern should be to look out for his father. But still he was wondering.  
Shaking his head he went on, trying to walk softly on the graveled ground. The last he wanted was to be found out right from the start.  
The area was run down. Old mechanical pieces were scattered over the dusty ground. Sam tried his best not to accidentally step on one and so he slowly pushed forward. He was nervous, yet very excited. He had forgotten about the amazing thrill such jobs caused him and for one split second he thought about why he had quit.

Because that simply was what Sam Singer did his whole life. Like his father used to say "Saving people, hunting things. That's family business."  
And with hunting wasn't meant shooting some deers. It was more, a lot more darker. Frightening.  
Sam had hunted the darkest creatures by now. Things like the monsters hiding under kids beds. Creatures born without mercy, without self-restrain. And it somehow felt tingly don't knowing what creature would await Sam.  
After two years of denying it, Sam felt the familiar excitement. Like his actions actually effecting something, inprison every time he came in touch with it another piece of the darkness.  
But he wasn't here, he made himself realize, to hunt down some bitchy witches or vampires. He was here to safe his father and with that he let go of the so well known excitement and triggered along an even deadlier determination. 

Sam swung the big, creaking door open, stepping closer inside the building. The swirling dust in the air made it hard for him to breath and the flashlight startted to flicker. It was a monster hole after all, he thought searching the walls for traces. Hoping silently that the weren't any blood tracks.  
It was very old and rundown. At one point he couldn't even recognize the diverse machines, scattered all over the hall. Instantly he remembered some jobs in which he had participated along with his father. Going down the weary hallways.  
He looked around, somehow feeling uneasy. He was biting his lip nervously. There weren't any traces and it was silent. Too silent in his opinion. Nothing feeling off, it looked all normal, to normal.  
Uneasy frowns builded up on his forehead, causing him a headache. His hazel eyes flickered along the walls and windows. Not seeing anything strange.  
The uneasiness shook up as his mobile started buzzing again, sending chills through his bones.

''Sam? Sam is that you?" He stood still, recognizing the shaking voice of his mother.  
''Sam? Sam is that you?" She repeated helplessly.  
His gaze darkened, slowly realizing the crackle in her voice. She repeated the question over and over again. It felt so incredibly wrong.  
That wasn't his mother speaking on the phone, still he remained silent. Slowly clapping its display shut.  
He searched for his regular mobile in his jackets pocket and tapped a number. Breathing nervously in and out.

"Sam were are you? Waiting for you at the kitchen table." He relaxed as he heard his fathers voice.  
So it was some kind of trap, he thought, slowly stepping back. Bobby's voice was still getting though the phone. He didn't answer, didn't wanted to cause any kind of attention. Hope it wouldn't be to late for him to get out of this shitty trap.  
The familiar voices calmed him down, until he heard something quiet behind his fathers talk.  
His eyes widened as he heard the sound coming nearer. His father said something to a person, seemed standing next to him.  
Noticing that the phone was passed and he heard light breathing, Bobbys voice from the background.

''Sam? Sam is that you?" Panic. Whatever it was, Bobby was alone with him and Sam slowly realised that this trap hadn't been planted for him.  
He tried to keep calm, hoping his father would take over the phone again.  
He couldn't let the thing know that he was well aware of the situation.  
"Mom it's ok, I'm coming home in a few minutes. Stopped by at some friends house." His voice was miserably shaking. "Can I talk to dad again?"  
Now nervous shuffling his hair, leaving the fabric building and hastily going to his car.  
"Sam hurry up now. Jody made delicious spaghetti." His father seemed calm, he hadn't noticed the situation yet. Sam hectically thought about a way to inform his father without being found out.

"I don't like spaghetti, how about some Chinese food?" He hoped instantly that his father would recognize the message.  
"Oh yes, sounds great I'm coming up with some adjustments." Bobby finally answered as Sam pulled out a big 'sigh'. Thankfully he had understood it perfectly.  
After a quiet goodbye he closed the phone and jumped in his car, not noticing the 67- black chevy Imapala standing on the opposite street.


	3. Gaining Courage

Sam drove on the entrance, silently closing his cars door. He was carefully walking forward, don't wanting to draw unnecessary attention on him.  
The house looked normal so far. The white facade was filled with the warm shimmer of its exterior lights. It was quiet. No screaming and crying and Sam silently hoped that he wouldn't walk into a pool of blood. He was nervously chewing his lips again as he drew closer, observing his surroundings.  
The front door was leaning loose in its frame. Sam gently pushed it open, stepping smoothly on the wooden floor. He never felt that thankful over this stupid looking carpet beneath his feets, softened his weight on the floor.  
One look to the right inside the kitchen, one look to the left inside the living room. In front of him the stair case. He recalled all escaping possibilities as he heard a muffled scream coming from the living room.  
A quiet click resounded from the deagle in his hand es he released the lock. Slowly pushing forward. He could felt his muscled tense as the strain rose through his body. Wet drops were falling from his forehead.  
Was he sweating? Really, he thought. What a whimp he was.  
His gaze was flicking nervously through the room, searching for his father.  
There was this so familiar aching pain leaking out of his heart again. It felt so twisted and shivering in his thorax, as if it was trying to escape. And it was so incredibly loud. He was starting to get deaf, outsourcing any other noises. Thrilling fear running down his spine. The tension in his muscles growing higher and higher.  
He gulped down the heavy lump. Forcing himself to calm down, or at least tried to. That became much heavier than in his imagination and he felt so utterly stupid for thinking that this was going to be easy.  
He wasn't made to play the hero. Not since the event two years ago.  
If it weren't for his father, he would has given in to the fear, allowing himself to restrain from this situation. Ending up sobbing on the floor. He even could picture himself sucking at his thumb.  
To his relief he chuckled subtle at this, repressing the fear a bit further in to the back of his head.  
Calm down, he thought. Just calm down Sam.  
He breathed in and out slowly as possible, still not holding his breath desperately. That was an improvement.

His whole body shivered as he heard the muffled scream again. But something felt of, putting him quite of the edge of uneasiness.  
He huffed a small breath, heading in the direction where he thought the scream was located. Carefully avoiding the small scattered pieces of glass, which he thought were once his couch table.  
As he moved slowly out of the living room, crossing the entrance of the dining room he froze in place.  
Small drops of stress sweat pouring down his forehead and the last bit of colour leaking out of his cheeks. Cold, desperate shivers ran down his whole body as he found the fragile body, taped on one of the familiar wooden chair.  
The light was dimmed but still he could draw out the delicate features of his mother. She was imprisoned by duct tape, her brown hair ruffled and blood stained. The normally so rosy cheeks pale and panic was written all over her face.  
As she spotted Sam she tried to usher him to leave immediately. Still in a dangerous situation she tried to save him, to sacrifice herself for him. And again it felt so familiar to the event two years ago.  
Somewhere deep in his mind he wanted to ran away, fleeing from all the pain and panic. But he can't. He has to set things straight.  
He snapped out of his dazing display of emotions and ran fastly across the room, pulling out a pocket knife and cutting through the sticky tape, ignoring the desperate expression on his mothers face.

"Sam Singer you're never doing what I want you to, do you?" She kept her voice quiet, but still it was scolding and furious, followed by a tiny bit of panic.  
Sam rolled his eyes as his mother smacked him on the back of his head, wriggling out of the remaining tape.  
Once she stood up Sam handed her his deagle, well knowing that she could aim perfectly as she was a former cop.  
They both searched their surroundings carefully, spotting no evidence of neither his father or an evil creature.

"What was it mom?" Sam asked quiet, well knowing that it wasn't over yet. He suppressed the thoughts of his father being possessed. For now it was urgent to remain calm and thinking the whole situation through. He has always been a smart thinker and his talent likely bloomed in dangerous situations like this. It was one character trait Jody loved and appreciated of her son.

"Don't know for sure, but it has to be a demon. It possessed me since morning." She admitted ashamed, careful avoiding to lock eyes with Sam.  
It broke his heart, watching his all-so-tough mother standing on the verge of crying again. It has to be the first time in those two painfully hard years and Sam brushed his thumb gently over her shoulder.

"It wasn't your fault," he reassured her, "demonic possession is a whole other level. We both know that very well." He grit his teeth, searching for his mothers eyes and smiling at her lightly. "It's gonna be fine mom." He spoke half heartily, even though it was more directed to himself. He couldn't stand losing another loved one. 

Jody smiled wearily, pulling of towards the hallway.  
Sam chuckled lightly, following her steps. As if any demon could harm Bobby Singer while his wife is in the house. Being able to walk behind his mother he didn't felt so uneasy any more. It came by practically naturally.

"Bobby Singer you freakin' lil' Idjit, if you're possessed on our ground I will purify you by myself and than I'm going to smack that demon out of your grumpy face." She yelled down the hallway and Sam was actually giggling lightly. Even in a situation like this his mother was so strong and intimidating.  
Sam looked through the house again, eyes promptly darted to the front window as he spotted a black oldtimer parked across the street. He frowned as he could draw out a dark figure sitting in front the steering wheel.  
He couldn't move closer due a loud thump above his head. The distraction nearly caused him a heart attack. He locked gazes with his mother, nodding towards the staircase. They moved slowly closer, heading carefully upstairs. Jody pushed him gently aside, as she wanted to walk in first.  
Sam grit his teeth in unacceptance, but let her through any way. Jody was by far more experienced in hunting, may it be humans or dark creatures.  
He tried to keep his thoughts in order, and suppressing his emotions. No time for that.

He tried desperately to focus on a rational behaviour, not noticing that his mother was frozen in place until he bumped in her. A little startled by the sudden freeze he looked over her shoulder, finding his father standing in the hallway. He looked horrible, pale and shaking. His gaze was directed at the floor and Sams stomach dropped as he saw the crimson red puddle right in front of Bobby.  
He didn't realized that he has hold his breath until his lungs were clunching, desperately demanding air. He coughed, not loosen up his gaze. Tears were starting to roll over his cheeks as he watched his father. His mother lightly shaking next to him.  
He wanted to do something, say something but he couldn't raise one limb. Shock, panic, fear and frustration made their way through his body and he trembled, god he felt like a earthquake just hit his ground. The moment seemed endless, none of them speaking, frozen in both, time and space.  
Judy was the one breaking the silence first. He shuddered as he hears her voice crackling, small cries escaping her lips.

"Bobby … Honey." The voice quiet, nearly inaudible.  
The sadness and uncertainty in his mothers voice snapped him out of his loop of fear and familiar pain.  
Sam put gently a hand on her shoulder, slowly shoving her beside. Stepping towards his father, if it even was him.  
It was time for him to let go of this cowardly feelings and the urge to run away. He has to stand up for his family, even if it was resembling the event two years ago way too much. Way too much for his psyche and his slow healing process. Now wasn't the time to be a whimp, he had to rescue his family, this time.

Bobby was still on his position, frozen. He was too foreign. His harsh, yet so loving gentleness no where to be seen.  
That thing wasn't his father and Sam understood that. He had to act responsible, doing whatever the outcome would request.  
Suddenly the knife in his hand felt so heavy, like it would drag Sam down. But he ignored it, ignored everything. The quiet sobs of his mother, the sticky blood under his feets and the urge to puke his guts out.  
Only two meters were between him and his father. Only a few steps away from a trauma he would clearly never overcome.  
And than Bobby lifted his head, staring right into Sams eyes. Sam gulped at the sight of Bobbys black eyes, darting right through his body. And he felt like a prey, circled by its predator. 

"Dad," Sam started, not avoiding the blank stare, slowly shifting forward, "Dad can you hear me?" He nearly cried it out, his eyes watering.  
He earned a dirty chuckle, which hit him right in the guts like a heavy kick.

"Oh poor lil' boy, your father is long long gone."  
The thing said, performing a disgusting grin with his fathers lips. Sam felt anger running through his veines, but slowly calmed himself down. He couldn't let himself do mistakes, not in a situation like this. Not again.

He cleared his throat and slowly pulling out a small bottle of holy water. He wouldn't make it too easy. He's a Singer after all.  
He flipped the bottle open and poured it right into this bastards face. The thing was screaming, covering its eyes and stepped back a through meters. That was the reaction Sam had hoped for, pulling a small revolver out of his pocket, aiming at his fathers shoulder. He couldn't bear the thought of hurting Bobby, but still he shoot once, scuttling the bullet perfectly in Bobbys right shoulder.  
The Demon smirked at him for being such a fool, but his expression fastly turned into confusion as he couldn't bring the body to move.

"Demon seals, scumbag." Sam said, slowly waving the revolver. The Demon was pissed, very pissed and that for the first time today made Sam genuinely content.  
Growls escaping the demons mouth, curses and the intimidating gaze crossed Sams. But it was to late, Sam had tasted blood.  
He quickly walked over, dragging the demon into his bedroom and tossing him at his chair.  
The Demon had started to pull the bullet out of his flesh and grinned mischievously at Sam, who was just making a confident smile, looking up the ceiling.  
The Demon did the same and grumbled loudly as he spotted the pentagram, carved in the wooden ceiling.  
Sam started to speak the first verses of the exorcism spell as the Demon interrupted him with a brutal sounding laugher.

Sam frowned, lifting his head up and staring curiously at his fathers face.  
"What's so funny, scumbag?" He asked roughly.  
The Demon simply smiled at him.

"Do you really think I came alone?" He asked mocking and Same shot him a questioned look.  
And than he understood, seeing his mothers figure in the mirror. Black eyes like the deep, murderous sea.

He stared at her, a moment in shock. It all made sense now. The call, his mother being taped in the dining room, her weird acting after spotting Bobby.  
It had felt all too easy. How could he had possibly any luck in the matter of demons. It was so sad, almost laughable. After all that had happened in the past two years, Sam would get killed by his own parents, possessed by demons. Too much of irony.  
He felt two cold hands wrapping around his neck, slowly taking his away.  
He huffed a small laugh, as he thought about himself dying right now. No Stanford for him, no normal life and no beautiful green eyes, saving him from this never ending nightmare, never ending suffer.  
He felt the dizziness crawling through his body, his vision blurred and finally he felt on the hard wooden floor. Catching a quick last glance at the family foto on his nightstand. A memory far before all those bad things hat trapped him in life. The complete happy family they once were. A small curled smile crossed his lips as he spotted the tiny boy standing beside Sam. Looking so curious and genuinely happy, Sams hand gently lying on his shoulder.  
A single tear rolling down his cheek.

"I'm coming Michael." He said quietly, letting go of his surroundings and a warm feeling wrapped around his chest. If he was going to die now, he will be relieved from all the grief and pain. 

One last breath and he was about to close his eyes as he heard distant footsteps and than he spotted beautiful green eyes.  
And than, everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for uploading so unsteady. This chapter took me some time and serious thinking. Hope you'll like it anyway. ^_^


	4. The Return Of Fear

"How's his blood pressure?"  
"70/40."  
"Ok. Give him some ml midodrine."

Sam heard muffled voices around him, sounding hectic but professional. He knew immediately where he was. A hospital.   
The dizzy memories were just slowly flowing back and he felt relieved to not have to feel anything right now. They must have gave him some drugs and to be honest he was really thankful for that.  
His stomach roared tired of all the pain and emotions. Not wanting to open his eyes he ignored the nagging voices outside his bubbles, trying to catch some rest since it would all start over again soon.   
He didn't want to think about his parents condition, his own and everything else that would probably wreck him in place and time.   
He could feel the wall inside his head, he had built up two years ago, slowly falling apart and he was afraid what he would become after all those painful memories, in addition to those he earned today shattered his mind body again.   
A throbbing pain leaked through his arm, a certain numbness reaching his shoulder. A new drug, he thought relieved. Driving deep down in a dreamless sleep again.

-

As Sam woke up, this time for real, his eyes were burning from the bright sunlight shimmering through the thin hospital curtain.   
He blinked rapidly, ignoring the mocking headache inside his skull. Groaning he lifted up, propping up on his elbow.  
He looked around the room, searching for any indications of his parents whereabout as a dark haired nurse walked in, eying him curiously.  
Sam smiled at her weakly and lifted up finally, resting his back at the pillow.

"Hey there young boy." She said friendly and took a brief look over the medical files, hanging loosely on Sams bed. After reading them briefly, she stepped beside Sam controlling the beeping machine and his catheter.  
"I'm Tessa." She nodded gently. "It looks good, how are you feeling?" Sam huffed a little laugh, ignoring the growing headache.

"Well, not sure. 'm Sam." He replied, keeping up his friendly smile and Tessa looked at him understanding.   
"How are my parents?" He didn't really dared to ask but it he was too worried to care. Besides he was too tired to even resist his subconscious mind on deciding things. It wasn't a strange question after all.

Tessa stared at him in uneasiness, as she wasn't sure what to say. Sam could only take that as a bad sign and his eyes watered heavily. Not again, not again his innerself cried, and the familiar anxiety turned up, crawling its dirty fingernails over Sams drained flesh.   
He gulped, suppressed the urge to burst into tears and to smash his head in the wall. Anything that would help him to get lost of those brutally exhausting feelings.  
Tessa bit her lip as she was waging up her options and finally seemed to speak.

"They're both unconscious right now. You're dad seems fine, but your mom …" she looked away nervously, "she suffered heavy injuries due the fire."  
Sams eyebrows shot up in surprise. He blabbered comically but pulled himself together.

"Fire? What fire? There was no fucking fire!" He nearly yelled at the friendly nurse, and panic crawled across his spine.   
Eyes darting around the room hectically and snapping for fucking air. What the hell was that supposed to mean?   
Before Tessa could calm him down he jumped out of his bed, moving fastly across the hallway. Eyes blurred due watery tears and his heart shattered in a million little pieces. Why fire of all things? Panic.  
Panic rose through his body, everything pulling rounds around his head.   
Other nurses and doctors viewed him worried, but he shoved them all out of his way. He just walked and walked until he saw his mothers figure at the end of the hallway. Surrounded by all kind of machines and medical injections.   
Now Sam was running, felling on his knees as he gripped Jodys hand. Tears flowing now uncontrollably down his face and he sat there, turning into a fucking sobbing mess until the nurses reached him and gently pulled away. 

They talked to him but everything was in a daze, slowed down and numb. Nothing mattered anymore.  
He was once at this point, losing someone dear to him because of this fucking monsters. And Sam was sure about it, if his mother wouldn't open her eyes again he wouldn't overcome it. No matter how many therapists would talk to him. No matter how many drugs they would gave him and no matter how hard his friends would try, he simply wouldn't.   
And that was something both shocking and relieving at the same time. Maybe he was allowed to let go of this horrible life, maybe his twisted mind would simply turn him off and maybe he could be free.  
A small smile curled across his lips as he dreamed about peace and safety.

"Sam?" He snapped out of his daze, noticing the silence around him and stared a few seconds into Tessas worried eyes.  
"Sam your father has woken up." She pulled one arm around his back and guided him down the hallway again, leaving Sams unconscious mother behind.  
And Sam went with her without any complain, because his father was alive and awake and if that wasn't a fucking spark of hope, he didn't know any better. 

Tessa pulled him through the entrance, gently holding onto his arm, reassuring her presence as they both stepped in.  
Sams gaze was tucked at his father, sitting weakly in his chair, eyes outside the window.  
Sam wasn't even realising that he was holding his breath until his lungs cried out desperately. Still he ignored it, focusing on Bobby.   
Sam hated himself for not being able to be genuinely happy at the sight of his father, he still held some anxieties towards him. Afraid of those black eyes to return.  
He huffed a small breath, clenching his fists together and preparing himself for the most dangerous outcomes.

It wasn't until his father moved his head, looking in his sons eyes relieved and huffed a quiet laugh that Sam gained his voice back and finally began to speak.  
"Dad," he started slowly stepping forward, reaching his hands out like he would in something delicate, afraid to might break it. "How are you feeling?" Warm tears were watering his eyes up and a small chuckle escaped Bobbys mouth.   
He coughed once, not removing his gaze from Sams eyes and Sam could tell how happy and sad his father was. The weary wrinkles deepened in exhaustion.

"I'm so sorry son," he began but Sam quickly interrupted him, not wanting to hear any ridiculous apologies. He knew very well that it wasn't his father who nearly killed him, nor his mother and he would never go as far as to blame this gentle loving and caring man for being possessed.  
"No dad, you know that it wasn't you. You can't be to blame for this." He said, smiling reassuringly.   
Bobby wore a somehow confused sad expression, as if he wasn't going to accept it yet. It broke Sams heart seeing his father so hurt and guilty, but he would give him time. Like they always did.  
They will eventually move on, shoving all those negative thoughts beside and trying to get those bastards who did nothing but hurt his family all and over again.

"You know son," Bobby broke the tensed silence, "every day in those damn two years I tried nothing else but to protect you." He gulped, those heavy, worn out eyes watering in emotions.  
"Yet I did nothing but failing horribly." He started sobbing, which broke Sams heart even more. Sam himself started crying quietly too.  
"Dad …" he whispered softly.  
"I'm not a damn Idjit Sam!" Bobby interrupted him, wearing an even wounded expression. "Can separate those actions of those damned bastards from my own, but hell I feel like shit. No damn father 's supposed to hurt his son. Under no fucking circumstances." His voice was crackling, heavy breaths escaping the thin pressed lips.  
Sam couldn't say anything, it all seemed so far away. Besides the pain. That was too fucking real.  
But he wouldn't let this go on even further. He knew exactly what it meant to be responsible for a dear person loosing their life and like hell he would let his father facing those emotions alone.

He stepped closer, hugging Bobby gently and stroke through the light curled hair of his father, relaxing in the touch.  
"Dad, what happened to Michael two years ago, I had those feelings of being responsible."  
Bobby shoke his head rapidly in declining.  
"Yes. I understand it know. It wasn't me. And damn it, it wasn't you nor was it mom." A dominant assurance spreading through his voice.  
"You two would never hurt me, as much as I would never hurt you."   
Bobby huffed a sharp breath, but let Sam continue.  
"There are things in this world who don't have a single clue about human emotions nor any spark of empathy." He continued, voice insistent but gently.  
"You're nothing like them, and I know this. Just like you should know, that I'll never going to blame you."  
Bobbys sobbs were now touched from the love in Sams speach and no longer soaked with guilt.  
Sam took a deep breath.  
"What happened two years ago and what happened yesterday and what'll maybe happening in the future is just making us stronger. Us and our bonds."  
Finally Bobby locked gazes with him and a small tired smile flushed over his lips as he pulled Sam for a hug.

"Thank you son." He cried, tears wetting Sams cheeks. But it wasn't sad anymore. It was loving.  
And Sam felt genuinely happy for that, felt promptly stupid for thinking that no one from them would be able to overcome this situation.   
But eventually everything would turn out good, and that was a thought he desperately held onto. 

"I love you dad."

-

As Tessa recommended Bobby to sleep a bit, so his body wouldn't break down in exhaustion, Sam left the room after pressing a gentle kiss on his fathers forehead.   
He felt bad for leaving Bobby alone, but he knew how important it was for a damaged body to recover in sleep. He had said anything on his mind anyway.  
Since his own injuries weren't that bad he was allowed to take a quick walk through the hospital, grabbing candy bars from the vending machine.  
Deep down in thoughts he walked down the hallway, passing doctors, nurses and patients on his way.  
Why was anyone around him dragged into nothing but tragedies, influencing their life's steadily.  
It felt like some kind of curse on him, dragging those people dear to him down into the twisted darkness of his own mind and emotions.   
But it was a stupid way of thinking, this far he understood. The Sam from two years ago would think like that, but now he was someone else. His twisted past was no longer a thing for him.   
As his past was most likely buried down in his mind by his psyche, like the life he had before the incident with Michael wasn't even worth remembering.   
So he could only assume what it was like, resembling his current state of mind. As if he would even able to held other thoughts. But he was like a hundred percent sure that even in his past, his feelings were shut down and no one in particular captured his interests.   
Which remembered him of the day he first saw Dean, wasn't he thinking about the same? Like he was never able to fall in love. And a few minutes later Dean Winchester had walked into his life, wrecking his unstable mind to a point where he almost felt like love wasn't a ridiculous foreign thing.   
Yeah Dean sure had an impact on Sam, may it be positive or negative. 

By thinking about Dean he felt light sparks of guilt wrestling in his stomach. Was Dean alright? Sam recalled punching Dean a few times in the face to lift of his anger. That was a strangely unthinkable thing. Why did he wanted to do that? No matter how mocking Dean has been, there was never a tolerable reason to beat the crap out of him.  
He was ripped out of his thoughts as he felt a dull pain in the shoulder. He must have been bumped into someone.   
Sam turned his head in confusion, only to spot Dean one feet away from him, wearing a somewhat exhausted and troubled expression. His delicate face covered with bruises and a small cut through his bottom lip.  
They locked gazes and the terrible guilt covered Sams face, desperately trying to stay calm.  
Dean frowned in the sight of Sam, huffing a small breath in annoyance and turned on his feels, walking off the different direction.   
Sam thought a second about what to do as he didn't noticed his body moving on its own. Grabbing gently Deans shoulder and forcing him to stop.  
Dean made a grumbling sound in annoyance, but didn't moved on. He was waiting for Sam to say something and hell even Sam was waiting for himself to say something.  
Shit. Shit. Shit.

"Hi, uhm … Dean I-" What the hell was he stammering for? "Sorry 'bout yesterday. That wasn't fair dude." His voice seemed to be higher than usual and hell that was a lame apology.  
Sam shifted unsteady in his spot, still not letting Dean go.   
He pushed himself to continue even though the words lay heavy on his tongue. He wasn't that ongoing about emotions and girly crap like this, but a small voice inside his head dared him to go on, like Dean was the most important thing in the universe right now.  
"You know, I wasn't myself yesterday" His voice was crackling. God he felt like an idiot, as if he could possibly ever make up for that. He was surprised that Dean didn't hit him right from the start, or that he even let Sam continue. He still stood with his back directed to Sam, no kind of reaction visible until he let out a deep sigh, finally turning face to face to Sam.

"Do I look like a fucking therapists to you?" He said, growling voice and a certain look in his eyes, which Sam couldn't clearly assign.  
"I ain't care shit for you man!"  
Somehow that left a wound in Sams guts, even though he wasn't sure why. He was now looking unsteady in Deans eyes. There had to be a way to convey his emotions, but he couldn't think of one.  
Dean seemed to read his uneasiness, rolling his eyes dramatically.  
"Look -" he cleared his throat. "I don't know you and don't want to, but let me make this clear." His eyes darting to Sams several bandages "whatever happened yesterday, I'll forget 'bout it. So don't bother me." He shoved off Sam's hand on his shoulder, making the attempt to leave.  
Sam desperately tried to think about something to say in return. Even if the sass in Deans voice made him angry, he was the one to blame for Deans several injuries.   
It was then when he noticed the decent burn on Deans neck, looking familiar to the ones he saw on his mother. He cocked his head in confusion, gathering courage to speak again. Now he wasn't felt with guilt, but sceptic curiosity.

"Dean, what about those burns on your neck?" It was barely a whisper, but he could see Dean stiffens at the sound of those words.   
But Dean didn't turned around. He simply walked away, ignoring Sam and his questions.

"Hey Dean -" He was interrupted by a gentle hand grabbing his arm.   
Turning his head he found Tessa standing in front of him, wearing a excited smile.   
Sam looked to her, looked to Deans figure walking off and finally left his gaze on Tessa. She seemed to has big news for him and the gentle smile curling around her lips told Sam that they were one of the good kind. 

"Sam, you're mother has woken up. You can go see her now if you want." She said smiling, face lighting up as Sam started grinned genuinely.  
Now that were great news indeed.

"Yes, I would love to."

\- 

"Hey mom." Sam sat carefully beside her, pulling her hand into his and gently pressing it reassuringly.  
She looked tired and weak, but good. Better than before anyway. It was hard for him to see his mother in such a condition, under such circumstances, but he tried to stay strong as he did for Bobby and for himself the whole day.   
Different thoughts crossed his mind. Thoughts about the incident two years ago as he lay down in a bed. Same hospital, same tragedies and same conflicted emotions. Only their roles were switched.   
His mother pressing his hand gently, he himself tired of crying. Of all the guilt and sadness.  
But now it was different. He had to play the strong one, while his mother was eating away by guilt. And that simply wasn't right. She didn't deserve this. Hell no one of them had deserved this. Neither his mom, his dad nor him. So much was clear to him now.   
And somehow he knew that it was going to be alright, not now, not tomorrow but eventually they will get better and be able to move on.   
Sam was convinced that he would get the normal life he was craving for so much, just like his parents would. This tiny warm feeling encouraged him, determining his will to stand up for his loved ones. 

Jody pulled away her hand softly, looking into his eyes and he could clearly read her anxieties. Like she didn't know how to deal with it or facing Sam. The only son she had left. The son she had hurt with her own bare hands.   
But Sam wouldn't let this go, so he grabbed her hand again. This time a even gentler, yet strong grip and a deep loving gesture.   
Jody looked down on both of their hands, pressing together in a trusting touch. Then she lifted her gaze, locking eyes with Sam, such confused and asking eyes.  
Sam smiled again. Moving his other hand to her cheek, stroking it gently. Jodys eyes watered softly as she leaned in the touch and Sam knew just how much that meant. 

"Sammy -" she started, brushing of the tears with their entwined hands. "Sammy, I love you. I love you so much." She sniffed and Sam barely managed to understand them, but he smiled in return. Nodding and brushing of his own tears.

"I love you too mom, no matter what." He said, pulling her into a deep hug, carefully avoiding the burns on her shoulder.   
He felt horrible for going to do this, but he had to ask anyway. 

"Mom -" he pulled out from the hug, taking his mothers face in both of his hands. Carefully silencing his voice and gaze directed to her.  
"Can you tell me what happened?"   
Jodys face went pale, and she started trembling in Sams hand. But he knew it was necessary to talk about this now. That it wouldn't get any easier in time. So much he knew for sure. And Jody understood. She was such a smart and brave woman, and Sam loved her for this.   
She carefully nodded, locking fingers with Sam again and he made sure to look her right in the eyes.

She coughed and took a slip of water before starting to speak and as she lifted her voice, Sam stayed quiet. Letting her choose her own peace and listened. Listened to every word.  
"I don't recall much." She admitted quietly. "But I recall the demon hiding in my head as you found me." She hastily overthought her choice of words.   
"I- I didn't mean it like that. I wasn't aware of being possessed, until -" for a second she looked down, encouraging herself to go on. "until we found Bobby. Than I felt a numbness through my body, it was shivering cold and that disgusting voice spoke to me." Her voice crackling through the heavy tears and Sam had to forcefully hold his shit together.  
"It was saying something about me watching myself killing my own son and oh my god Sammy, I couldn't fight it. It was like that wasn't my body. It wouldn't let me." Her sobbs getting heavier. Breath uneven and shattered. Sam couldn't do anything, just letting Jody continue. But this was important.  
"And than I- it attacked you. Sam I was so afraid of hurting you, b- but it wouldn't listen to me. It was knocking you down and the last thing I remember was litting the house on fire." She was now a sobbing mess and Sam pulled her into a tight hug, rocking back and forth slowly. Drawing circles on her back like she did when he was younger.

"It's alright now mom, it is over." Sam said softly, swallowing down his own tears.   
It was over.

\- 

Sam had left the hospital to drive to their house in order to get new clothing and supplies. To be honest he just wanted to get out of their, out of the pain and away from the mental issues, nagging slowly their way through his head.   
He hoped that fresh air would help him to get his shit together. He wasn't supposed to get a mental breakdown, while his parents were constantly blaming themselves. Therefore he did need a break, a distraction. To keep his mind from thinking about just how fucked up his life was.   
He entered the small car, which Bobby had allowed him to drive since he was turning seventeen in just two days.  
Not like he would be bothered by anyone in a small town like Glencreak anyway. Bobby was a famous mechanic in town, known by anyone and so was Sam. And so was the fact that Sam was taught by Bobby to drive since he was small. With Jody as the former sheriff no one would blame him for driving underage, especially since he was offering car rides to supermarkets, lifting kids off at football practice or picking up his neighbours family members at the small train station near the centre of Glencreak. 

That was one of the perks of living in a small town with not much more than 30 thousands citizens.   
Sam grew up in Glencreak, Colorado. He lived ever since he was born in a charming yellow house in the Jefferson's Lake road, near the forest which surrounded the town.   
When he was younger he used to play with Michael in the forest and on hot summer days they would go swimming in Jefferson's Lake. Those were beautiful memories, even though they felt more like vivid dreams. So did the feeling of being content to the heart.   
For the most things in his past Sam had forgotten about. Even the people he had met before the incident two years ago.   
Missouri, his therapist told him that it was some kind of his mind trying to overcome this trauma and he had slowly given up on remembering. Missouri had said that it could cause him a mental breakdown, even worse than the one he had two years ago. And with that Sam didn't even tried to do so, he accepted it. Just like he had accepted anything else. Even the social awkwardness he had suffered ever since. Except the thing with Dean.   
And whatever this thing had been, it was over too, so Sam saw no point in being sentimental about the past.   
The present caused him enough exhaustion anyway.   
With that he pulled in the driveway to his house, slowly exiting the car.   
And then it hit him like a truck in the face. There had been a fire. A fucking fire and Sam had walked home fulfilled with nativity.   
The dusty facade was covered in soot and grime. Half of the roof burned and a disgusting dark hole in the middle. Exactly where his bedroom was located.   
His stomach dropped to the ground, hot tears flowing down his cheeks and his lungs crying for air to breath.  
He was frozen. Frozen on the ground, confronted with the remains of his beloved house.   
And he could feel it. The thin wall inside his head, desperately trying to stand resist, slowly falling apart. Dark and gruesome pictures overwhelming his mind, twisted emotions bursting out. The edges of vision blurring and he could feel the sharp pain, as his chin connected with the hard, gravelled ground.   
It all went black, forcing himself once again to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on the story is getting more darker than I intended to. Well this happens if you're writing without a reasonable story line. Damn you moody inspiration. T.T  
> Well I can promise after editing the whole story line and adding some more details it will also contain a whole bunch of fluff and romance.  
> I hope you gus like it anyway!   
> Thanks for reading it btw, I appreciate every form of critics and so on!  
> Have a nice day~


	5. My Demons

It was Sam's 24th day in the mental health clinic in Glencreak, Colorado.  
After all he had been through the last weeks he found himself losing his mind, breaking down in confrontation with the burned remains of his house.  
The last place on earth which sat him at ease.  
The only place where he could allow himself to think about good memories. And now it was gone, so was Sam's sanity.  
What actually wasn't so bad. He had eventually gained a chance to escape those every day nightmares, even if he wasn't allowed to talk or see his parents. Even if he was taking drugs. Even if he had to talk to Missouri, his therapist every day (only if he decided to though). His daily routine was monotonous.  
But it was helping, this far he knew.  
Only on his seventeenth birthday, they threw a small party. It had contained a dull cake and him being in charge of the television program through the whole day.  
The clinic was a quiet place, with no many patients.  
There was Andy, who thought that he got an evil twin, forcing him to behave bad. Well at least in the way he was able to in this well guarded place.  
Anyway Andy seemed nice. He was fighting his own demons, just like Sam did every day the past two years.  
Than there was a little girl named Lillith, who seemed to attempt trying to kill people to please Lucifer, her guardian. Sam distanced himself from her, she was creepy.  
He also was introduced to Benny, a middle aged man who was suffering a emotional trauma, after he discovered his wife cheating on him with his own father. To that guy, Sam had built a certain sympathy. He didn't seemed as half crazy as the others or Sam.  
Last but not least he had made friends with a crazy, yet gentle girl named Meg. She had befriended the bad kind of people, due her fathers business. She was a victim of a life long emotional manipulation and started only recently to act on her own mind.  
They all, besides Lillith because she's just really really creepy, spent the most time together, watching television or participating in the rehabilitation programme of the clinic, which was guided by a nice middle aged man called Balthazar. He liked him, besides his certain aversion against 'Titanic' or Celine Dion.  
All in all it wasn't as bad as he has imagined at his first day. He had actually made friends, even though their weren't that sane as his friends in Glencreak. And hell, no one was really sane in Glencreak. Who was he to judge anyway.  
They were helping him and therefore he was grateful. 

But today was his last session with Missouri, where It would be decided about him leaving the clinic or becoming a regular.  
It was a day he wasn't really looking forward to, because he wanted to go home, but that demanded him to talk. To talk about everything concerning his mind.  
It also would reveal how twisted he really was and about that he was afraid, really afraid.  
But he had to face it, face his painful past. And he was ready to do so, if he wanted to get better.  
If he wanted to get back home and if he wanted to get a normal life, wanted to get rid of the social awkwardness and to be able to feel something again. To feel good again. 

He stood in front of Missouri's office, nervously staring at his feet. Encouraging him to just walk in there and speaking his guts out.  
It was no time for machoism, nor time to ran away. Not if he wanted to go back to his family and friends. This time without mental issues, without social awkwardness and without the option to come back eventually.  
No if he was going to get this done, he would never come back. That step was necessary.  
He huffed a deep, final breath and knocked on the wooden door. Let's go Sam.

Missouri opened the door with a bright, loving smile and nodded him in. The room was small, but welcoming. A blue sofa was placed at the right wall, facing a same blue armchair. Small crotchet tablecloths were discreetly emphasising the with love decorated room. The walls painted in a yellowish white and artistically placed paintings of flowers hung up on different spots.  
The wooden desk was standing in front of the window, a brown leather chair placed between.  
It was a room Sam has been in a countless times, but today was different. It gave of a somewhat supporting atmosphere and Sam was very very grateful for that.  
He needed help if he wanted to get through this all without panic attacks or black outs. Both not preferable.  
So he was here, finally ready to talk. Not just about demons and family, but also about the forgotten past. It was that what he was so afraid about.  
Remembering.

Missouri sat on the blue armchair, signalising Sam to sit on the sofa and Sam did. Now it was time to move on.

"So Sam, this is either our final meeting or the first with you as a long term patient." She said the last part jokingly, smiling friendly. And Sam couldn't help but chuckle at this. Something about that woman was warm and cheerful, encouraging him to have faith.  
"How are you feeling, dear?"  
Sam thought about that, since he wasn't really sure about that. But if he wanted to achieve something by that meeting he had to be honest, to himself and to Missouri.

"Well, I'm not really sure 'bout that." He said carefully, thinking about the right words to describe his current emotions.  
"I was- I am nervous about this session. And at the same time I'm feeling ready for it. But to be honest," and that he wanted to be, "I'm afraid of the outcome." Missouri locked eyes with him and huffed a little at his flustered expression. 

"You don't have to be, dear. I'm with you all the time." She said comforting, leaning over to grab his hand and stroke it heartily.  
Sam gulped, but nodded in return. Missouri wouldn't let him down, and that was delighting him.

"Well shall we start than?" Missouri asked, one eyebrow cocked up. Inviting Sam to speak his heart out and damn he would do this.  
He nodded again, unsure how he should start. Missouri seemed to read his nonplussed expression and stroke one final time over his hand, leaning back then into her chair and looking at him faithfully.  
"Let's begin with your nightmares, did you had one this night?"  
Yeah the nightmares, a great point to start. Since the night of demonic possession and fires, Sam had been getting nightmares. About himself, his parents, Michael and Dean. Hell even Dean was now a part of his twisted psyche.

"Yes. I had a dream about me and Michael swimming in Jefferson's Lake. I think it was more like a memory I had forgotten about."  
He was shifting in his seat, biting his bottom lip as he recalled the dream. Missouri was quiet, politely listening to him.  
"It felt warm until- until Michael disappeared. I think I was supposed to look over him, but he was gone and I was panicking. I felt so terrible lost and insecure. All I wanted was to get Michael back. What does this mean? Michael hasn't had anything to do with the fire." He was now looking at Missouri helplessly, hoping for her to give him answers. Answers for everything.  
She seemed to notice his uneasiness and hummed a little while thinking it through.

"Sam I think Michael is connected with everything you witness in life. Because you haven't let him go yet."  
Sam gulped at this. How could he possibly let Michael go? Not after everything that had happened. "In your dream you was meant to look over him, to protect him. But you lost him, which caused you pain. Even after two years you're still blaming yourself for Michael's death." Sam listened carefully, suppressing the urge to cry.  
"Sam I want you to talk once more about Michael's death and about your life before it."  
Sam's eyes widened in confusion. He didn't remember his past, so how was he supposed to talk about it? 

"I'm not sure if I'm able to, you know I don't really have memories about my past." He said unsure, chewing on his lip and Missouri just smiled knowingly, then standing up humming and walked over to her desk. She searched for something in the drawer and pulled out a small chain with a marble hanging loose in the fragile silver. 

"Dear, I think we can handle this one." She sat down again with a wink as Sam started at the marble, following it's light movements.  
"Hypnosis." He whispered quietly, not too sure what he should think about this.  
"Does this stuff even work?" He asked sceptical, lifting one eyebrow.  
Missouri just huffed in amusement.  
"Dear, trust me. This will work just fine." She chuckled. "So now lie down and just follow my voice."  
Sam rolled his eyes, but did what he was told. He just had to trust Missouri in this one.  
His head sunk into the pillow and he closed his eyes, relaxing most as possible. He could hear Missouri moving over, sitting down next to him and grabbing his arm gently, stroking one thumb softly over in a static rhythm.  
"You're ready to start, dear?" She asked in a friendly  
voice and Sam could imagine her warm smile, as he enjoyed the touch. He nodded in response, feeling his muscles now obediently relaxing.  
"Okay. Open your eyes and follow the marble, try ignoring your surroundings and listen to my voice."

And he did so. Eyes fixated on the swinging little marble, which colours sparkled in the warm spring sun.  
Missouri's voice was calm and appealing, so it wasn't hard to relax into the situation. Her words well pronounced and guiding and Sam could feel his mind slowly silent down, as he lost grip on the world. Filled with nothing but pleased emotions. 

"Now Sam you will go to sleep, dreaming about your long forgotten past and when you wake up, you'll tell me about everything. And it will help, believe me."  
Sam hummed under this, drifting off into another world, which resembled his life before all those tragedies had happened. 

\- 

Sam is opening his eyes on a warm spring day. His alarm ringing naggingly, but he has to stand up anyway. His eyes are tired and so is his body. His legs reluctantly shifting against the sheet.  
Today is a important day, the 17th April, Michael's twelfth birthday and Sam promised him yesterday to walk to school together.  
So he stands up, pulling his shirt over the sweaty skin and stretches in the warming sunlight. Several cuts are itching on his back, which he received due a hunt four days ago. He isn't thinking about them as a bad thing though, those filthy vampires were the first creatures he has had killed on his own.  
He looks up to his nightstand where a small box wrapped up in colourful paper sits. A small smile is curling on his lips and a warm feeling of nervousness is spinning in his belly. He wants to give this present soon as possible to Mike, since he is really proud of it. Not like it matters to his little Brother what Sam is giving him, he loves it anyway.  
But this little present contains all money Sam has safed in his first job until now.  
He directs a final smile to the little box and is then walking off to the bathroom, hurrying for a relaxing shower.  
He decides to go for a run in the morning, since it's early and Mike will most likely remain sleeping until 7.40 a.m . He could even run to the bakery in the centre of Glencreak and grabbing some pastries.  
So he doesn't go to the shower but stops at his dresser, pulling on his running clothes. He runs his fingers lazily through his sweaty hair and walks carefully down the staircase, since Michael's bedroom is located right besides his.

Jody is standing at the kitchen isle, pulling out eggs and bacon, before leaving them on the table and pulling out a pan of the drawer.  
She hums a song named 'simple man' by Lynyrd Skynyrd, which puts Sam immediately at ease, since his Mother used to sing it every night to him and Michael when he was young.  
He walks behind her and presses a soft kiss on her cheek, as she smiles at him. 

"Good morning mom. 'm going for a walk, shall I grab some pastries from the bakery?" He hears him saying, ruffling gently through Jody's hair.  
She let go of the pan and rubs his cheeks teasingly.  
"Sure Sammy, but come back 'till 7.30. Want to give Michael a little surprise." She winks at him and turning back to the pan, popping open the eggs.  
Sam grins in the smell of fresh eggs and bacon and leaves the kitchen, pulling on his running shoes.  
As he attempts to leave the house his mobile is buzzing in his trousers pocket. A pleased smile is curling his lips as he reads Jess' name on its display.  
'Good morning Sam. Hope you did catch some sleep last night. :) I just wanted to tell you how adorable you are when it comes to Michael. I kind of wanted to do something for him too, so how about grabbing some milkshakes after school? ;)

Love u, Jess.' 

He smiles at his display for several seconds, just enjoying to have someone like Jess in his life. They're together for 6 month by now but time with her feels endless, like she is just making a better person out of him and a better place out of the world.  
He replies instantly, agreeing to her plan and he is absolutely sure that Mike will be genuinely happy about it. And so will be Sam.  
He closes the door behind him and runs off to the street. The morning spring air is warm and a pleasant breeze is ruffling through his hair.  
He loves to run, especially in the morning, when no one in Glencreak is outside and he feels like the only person in the world. And he loves to return home after the run, eating breakfast with his family and chatting with Michael about friends and school and Anna, the girl Michael has a crush on. He loves to walk to school with Michael, through the green trees at the beginning of the forest and he loves his life in the dreamy small town Glencreak. And he has to admit that he even loves to go hunting with his parents, helping people and killing dark creatures.  
Of course his parents aren't pleased about that, but since Bobby's friend Rufus has been submerging into the unknown, Bobby needed help. And Sam was a great help. The rational and calculating way of thinking of his helps them out every time and it comes indeed in fairly handy.

He passes crossroads, passes his friends house and passes Bobby's garage. As he walks deeper into town he spots familiar faces at their windows, waving in greetings and Sam is thankful for the decision to going for a run.  
He spots the bakery at the end of the road and slows down, breathing calm in and out. It is warmer by now and he thinks about pulling his shirt off, but decides against it, since the bakery woman wouldn't be so pleased by that.  
He huffs a small laugh at that and opens the glass door before stepping inside, greeting friendly.  
The delicious scent of cakes and fresh bread is flowing through the air and he looks at the different pastries at the counter.  
A tall man is entering the bakery as well, looking through the small shop and finally locking his gaze on Sam.  
Sam nods politely and turns his head to the counter again, deciding on which pastry to choose. The bakery woman, Carol, is chatting enthusiastically with him and for a short second he thinks that pulling off his shirt before wouldn't have been that bad for her. He chuckles at this, finally pointing on the strawberry cake, ordering four pieces.  
He can feel the man behind him still staring, but tries to ignore it. Maybe he has a big sweat spot on his back. He chuckles again.  
The thin fabric of his shirt is absorbing the shop's fresh air and cools down his heated blood.  
So he's kind of disappointed when he leaves the shop and turns in his home's direction.  
He hears the door closing behind him and spots the tall man leaving right after him. Feeling confused and slightly cornered he starts jogging, holding the pastries tight in his hand. The man is lightly scaring him, but he doesn't pay it another thought. He just wants to get back home and wake up Michael, celebrating his birthday in peace and happiness.

He arrives at his house at 7.28 and walks in, spotting his mother and father sitting at the kitchen table. Bobby is drinking coffee and reads the newspaper while Jody is decorating the table with colourful confetti.  
Sam greets his dad and pulls out the fresh pastries, handling them to Jody who whistles in astonishment. He smiles pleased and heads up to the bathroom, taking a quick shower this time for real.  
The cool water is calming his body and wakes up every last sleeping cell.  
He hears Michael snoring loudly in his bedroom and grins mischievous, while thinking about the most cruel way to wake his little brother up.  
After pulling on loose jeans and a thin shirt he walks into Michael's room and decides against splashing him with cold water.  
His little brother's face is just way too adorable, the blonde hair sticking up in every possible direction.  
He sits down besides him and brushes his thumb over Michael's cheeks, gently waking him up.

"Hey there birthday boy." Michael shifts a little in confusion before opening his eyes and smiling at Sam. The blue, sparkling eyes filled with excitement and happiness. Sam grins widely as Michael pulls him in for a hug and ruffles through his little brother's hair. 

"Come on you little monkey, mom and dad are waiting for you." He says and lifts Michael up, carrying him downstairs. Michael is screaming enthusiastically, demanding Sam to walk faster. Sam just laughs at this and finally puts Michael down, right in front of both their parents who are smiling genuinely.

"Happy birthday Michael Singer!" The three are saying accurately and Michael's cheeks are flushing red, as he covers his face in fake embarrassment.  
"Shall we sing?" Sam asks laughing as he reads Michael's happiness, which makes him happy too.  
"Oh please no." Michael's voice is covered in laughter and Sam gives his parents a meaningful look. The three of them are starting to sing and Michael is shaking him in order to stop him. Sam's just laughing and tries to sing through the pleasant giggles, ignoring Michael who's face is now a colour of bright red.  
They're finishing the song, all four of them laughing in enjoyment. Sam is pushing Michael on his seat, running quickly upstairs and getting the present.  
Meanwhile Jody serves the pastries, litting up the orange candles which she placed on Michael's piece earlier. Michael's eyes widen in surprise and they're all starting to chat about Michaels birthday party on the next Saturday.  
Michael tells Sam that he is very nervous, because he invited Anna and Sam is grinning at the helplessness on his little brother's face. Bobby is teasing Michael about the matter how he could bring Anna to go out with him. Jody is rolling her eyes in false annoyance as she interferes now and then, telling Bobby that he has no idea about girls.  
Sam is enjoying this whole morning and a warm pleasantly is filling his belly. Happiness.

After Michael is eating his own and afterwards the remaining pieces of Jody's pastry, Sam decides to give him his present.  
Michael is looking at the small wrapped up box in emotion and grins at Sam widely before opening it carefully.  
His eyes widen even more at the sight of the golden pendant, hanging loose on a black cord. His gaze is shifting between the pendant and Sam until he pulls Sam into a loving hug, repeating 'thanks' over and over again. Sam presses a soft kiss on his cheek and ruffles through his hair, eyes darting to the clock. 

"Shit, it's 8.00! We'll be late for school." He states hectically. Bobby hushes Michael upstairs and offers Sam to drive them both to school.  
Sam's shaking his head in declining. He promised to walk Michael to school today and since it is only a walk of ten minutes Michael isn't going to be late.  
Just in time Michael appears, jumping on Sam's back. A bit struggling under the sudden weight he walks wobbly through the hallway, grabbing both, Michael's and his backpack.  
Once they exit the house, Jody and Bobby are waving them goodbye and Sam is walking off with Michael on his back.  
They're passing a tall man, who seems familiar but Sam walks away ignoring the nagging feeling. Michael urges him to walk faster and like this they enter Michael's school ground at 8.12, still three minutes left until the final bell ringing.  
Sam hugs Michael and waves him goodbye, watching his little brother walking over to a red haired girl, who seems to be Anna.  
Sam smiles at this.

At the time he arrives at his school it is 8.30 and that means he is late, very late. But it was worth it to bring Michael to school and spotting him with Anna. His first class is English one of those classes he is very good at, so he isn't worried about being scolded. His English teacher, Mr. Brans, a chubby tiny man is greeting him nicely as he takes places in his seat.  
He mumbles a apology and pulls out his notebook and pencil case, nodding towards a cheerfully waving girl named Becky.  
The time flies by and Mr. Brans announces the homework given over the weekend, a essay about Macbeth's character change through the drama and the students are picking up their things and exiting the classroom.  
Sam is one of the few students left and goes to talk to Mr. Barns about his opinion of the poem they've just read. He likes to talk with the middle aged man who seems just so knowing about literature and folklores that it doesn't bothers him anymore to be seen as a nerd.  
Mr. Barns is just talking enthusiastically about the author's writing style as a blond haired girl shows up, knocking politely on the door frame.  
Sam's expression lights up as he is spotting Jess, apologising to Mr. Barns and walking over to the pretty blonde, hugging her gently. 

"Hey." She whispers, leaning into a kiss which Sam cheerful returns.  
"Hey." He smiles at her, entwining their hands and they both start to walk to the cafeteria where they are awaited by their friends.

After school he is meeting up with Jessica and they're walking to Michael's school to pick him up.  
Michael is extraordinary excited to see Jess and tells them with red flushed cheeks that he has invited Anna to tag along.  
Sam is very proud of his little brother for that and eventually a bit nervous of meeting the mysterious Anna who Michael has talked about a lot.  
Anna is a very polite and friendly girl and Sam is satisfied with that. Michael, who seems a lot more enthusiastically than normal tells Anna about how cool and mature Sam is, while Sam is actually rolling his eyes in embarrassment. Jess is just laughing and hums in agreement every now and then.  
By the time they're reaching the small mall in the centre of the town Sam has gotten the status of a God and is flushing red.  
Anna seems to enjoy the trip too, so Sam is utterly content. Even though he doesn't like it very much to receive compliments, he isn't complaining. Whatever makes Michael happy, makes him happy too.  
Michael and Anna are running off to order milkshakes while Jess and Sam are talking about the latest events in school.  
Time flies by again so ridiculously fast and Sam is feeling a bit disappointed to part groups with Anna. The young girl is indeed a perfect crush for Michael and Sam believes that she's got a crush on his little brother too. This is making him just so happy, the whole day is making him happy.  
Everything seems perfect and Sam is hoping for it to never end. 

At the time they got home, Michael is running off to his parents, telling them about his perfect birthday and Sam and Jess are going to sit in the yard.  
Since it is still spring the evening air is a little fresh and Sam is giving Jess one of his sweaters.  
They're both sitting on the little bench in the backyard, clinging onto each other in the cold and Sam is savouring the moment.  
Jess is lifting up her head, looking uncertainly in his eyes. Confused by her expression he cocks his head in questioning.  
She bites her lip nervously before pulling out of the hug. She's now wearing a somewhat sincere expression.

"Sam, I have to tell you something." Her eyes are watering and she seems to hesitate, but lifts her voice up again.  
"My father has got a promotion. We're going to move next week."  
He doesn't hear himself speak, but still quiet words are escaping his mouth.  
"Where?"  
She looks away in insecurity, a little bit shaking. But Sam doesn't get his body to move. He just waits for her response, helpless.  
"To London." She answers quietly. Still refusing to meet his eyes.  
"Oh."

-

Sam is waking up, it's still dark outside and he hears the light snoring of Michael next door. He checks his mobile, no received calls or messages from Jess.  
It is now one month after her moving. The last time they had talked was on his fifteenth birthday.  
They've decided to break up, since the time gap is too big and Jessica has to focus on catching up in class. Apparently London's schools are much more sophisticated than the small school in Glencreak.  
It has been hard on Sam but eventually he was able to let go. Again thanks to Michael and his cheerful way of treating Sam.  
Still Sam wakes up a few days at night and checks his phone for missed calls. And like always his mailbox is empty.  
Today is the 30th May and he doesn't want to go to school. He shifts in his bed, closing his eyes again.  
Eventually he can't go to sleep anymore, so he is standing up and thinks about making some coffee and reading over the essay he is supposed to hand in today.  
Before he goes downstairs he is standing in front of Michael's room, opening the door and carefully avoiding sounds. His little brother is sleeping peacefully muffled into the pillow and hugging his teddy bear tight. Sam recalls winning the blue little bear at a funfair and he smiles proudly on the view.  
After reassuring himself that Michael is fine he places a soft kiss on his little brother's cheek and closes the door again. He heads down to the kitchen and heats up some water for the coffee, looking through the little with love decorated kitchen and leans against the counter. Humming the beat of 'simple man'.  
He spots that the kitchen window is still open and walks over to close it. His eyes widen as he spots a tall man standing under the cracking light of the street lantern.  
He wipes his eyes in confusion but still spots the man standing there, just staring inside his kitchen right through the window. Not moving one bit.  
Sam is gritting his teeth, a stalker is the last thing needed in this household. He walks over to the entrance, opening the door and stepping out in the fresh spring air. Eyes darting the motionless man.

"Hey you! What are you doing here?" He shouts out a bit more aggressively than he intends to.  
The man isn't moving at all, only his eyes are locking with Sam's. A disgusting grin dancing over the lips.  
He is a tall, middle aged man with brown hair and tan skin. He seems familiar.  
It hits Sam like a thunderbolt. This man is the one he met in the small bakery in town and the man he ran into with Michael on his back while walking to school on Michael's birthday.  
Sam is now shifting uneasy on the gravelled ground, eyes locked on the strange man. 

He huffs a deep breath and walks closer. Clenching his fists in uneasiness. The man is giving off a somewhat threatening atmosphere.  
Sam is thinking about any dark creature he could be facing right now. There are too many possibilities. He could be a vampire, but that isn't matching with the mans daytime activities. Maybe a shapeshifter? But what could he want from Sam?  
He recalls any dark creature that he knows about until hearing the guys disgusting dirty laughter. Sams eyes darting back to the man only to see his black, intimidating eyes. Sam gulps, now he knows what he's dealing with.

"A demon." He hears himself saying.  
"Hello Sam Singer. I'm going to borrow your body for a few hours." The demon says as black fog is escaping his mouth, aiming for Sam.  
"What do you mea-" The fog makes his way down Sam's throat and tears are starting to build up in his eyes. He is trying to fight back until his body isn't responding to him anymore.  
He feels foreign and misplaced in his own flesh and cries internally as his legs and arms are moving without his permission. A disgusting dirty chuckle escaping his mouth, but it isn't his voice.  
Panic overcomes his mind as his body is walking independently through the door inside his house.

'He's waiting for you Sam Singer.' Sam could hear a foreign voice inside his mind. Since he is possessed he is assuming it as the demon's.  
'What do you mean? Leave my body now you disgusting bastard!'  
A small chuckle escapes his body's lips.  
'Well, well calm down boy. Wouldn't mind me having 'lil fun would ya?'  
Sam doesn't understand until his body moves upstairs, entering Michael's bedroom.  
'Cute 'lil brother, ain't he? Want me to rip out his throat and eating it while it's still fresh. Mhhm.' His body moves its fingers across Michael's face and Sam is starting to get furious.  
'Don't touch him you dirty son of a bitch! I'll fucking kill you.' He screams and yells but his body doesn't stop moving.

"Sam what are you doing?" He hears Michael asking sleepy and desperately wants to warn him, but no sound is getting out of his lips. Desperation and helplessness flows through his mind. Someone has to stop that fucker, someone has to stop him.  
"Hush 'lil boy we don't want to wake up your parents, do we?"  
"Sam what are you sayin-" The palm of his body's hand connects with Michael's face and the young boy cries out in pain.  
"I said shut the fuck up you dumb 'lil kid."  
Sam is now raging desperately inside his body.  
'Stop it you fucking scumbag!'

Sam could now hear foot steps coming from the hallway. His parents are going to help Michael. He feels a little relieved at that.  
'Oh look Mommy and Daddy are wanting to play too. It's my lucky day, ain't it Sammy?'  
'Stop it you filthy asshole!' Besides swearing Sam couldn't do anything. He has to see his own body hurting the ones he loves.

"Sammy, Michael 's everything alright?" He could hear his father asking. His body making no attempt to obey him and so he could just watch, hoping this all to be a bad, very bad dream.  
"You stupid humans are so naive that it even is entertaining." The demon says, moving his head into his parent's direction. Jody and Bobby are widening their eyes in confusion before they are thrown against the wall due one single movement of the demon's hand. Michael is screaming in fear, watching his parents knocked out.  
"You 'lil annoying brat. I wanted to kill ya fast but hell, I ain't gonna be nice anymore!"  
Sam is screaming inside his head, trying to force his body to move again. In vain.  
Sam couldn't do anything about it, he couldn't even close his eyes. He has to watch this demon killing his little brother with his own body's hands.  
He has to see Michael's confused and hurt looking eyes, filled with fear and betrayal. His own beloved brother doing this to him. No kid on earth should have to watch such a scene and Sam's heart is breaking into million pieces. A dark storm of anger, fear and helplessness overcoming the last remains of his sanity. He is feeling tired, so so tired.  
'Watch this Sammy, watch your precious 'lil world falling apart.' And with that the demon lifts Michael up, smashing him against the wall. Grabbing his neck tight and Sam could see the life running out of his little brother's eyes. The beautiful blue eyes watering with tears as he chokes against the tight pressure.  
The demon grins mischievously, pressing his thumb so hard in the smaller boy's skin that blood is leaking out, dripping on the floor and turning the fabric of the blue carpet red.  
Michael huffs a small final breath, whispering against the pressure.

"I love you Sammy." His eyes now closed and the body hanging loose against the wall. Eventually the demon lets go of Michael's dead body and it falls with a dull noise on the floor. Fragile, stained red and motionless. 

-

Sam is waking up in a hospital bed, tired and exhausted. It takes him a while before realising what had happened and panic shoots its way through his body. He jumps out of the bed, stretching his body brutally. He is crying heavily and feeling disgusted of his own body. Even though it is certainly obeying him willingly he is still feeling the numbness and Michael's warm blood on the skin.  
He throws up, sitting down in the corner of the room and throws up again. Like he could feel the demon still inside him. It wasn't, but hell tell this to his broken and twisted sanity.  
He is screaming in agony. His limbs trembling and eyes wide open.  
Nurses are running into the room, trying to pull him up but the only thing he is seeing are disgusting black eyes.  
He is fighting the hands grabbing his arms, ignoring the voices, only wishing for this to end. He has killed his own brother, he has killed all happiness in his life and he isn't worth living anymore. Not when Michael is dead, not with him being his murderer.  
He is feeling a sharp pain in his shoulder. They must have given him a sedative. Like this is going to help him, hell nothing is going to help him.  
He drifts back into a tamed state of mind, what is scaring him even more. He is once again not able to move his body. Once again he is watching a surreal scene and it all feels so absurd. Like a nightmare. A living hell. 

As he wakes up again he spots his mother leaning in a chair, holding onto his hand. His father standing beside her, one hand resting on her shoulder.  
They both smile weary when Sam is opening his eyes. Why are they smiling? There isn't anything left in the world to smile for, and absolutely not the fact that Sam is awake, alive while Michael isn't. 

"How are you son?" Bobby asks, voice loving as usual. Jody takes his hand gently rubbing her thumb over it. Sam immediately withdrawing his hand, wincing at the loving touch.  
He turns his head, staring outside the window.  
"Why are you even here? I'm not worth your attention." He says much colder than he intends to.  
He could here his mother crying at his choice of words.  
"Damn right. Why should we care for you? You're a monster, so hey we're not going to love you anymore." Bobby says in rage. Still Sam could hear the sass in the voice and turns his head, facing his parents. Bobby looks so unbelievable enraged and hurt that Sam's stomach drops.  
"Do you really think I would say something like that to my own son?" To Sam's surprise tears are filling Bobby's eyes and his father huffs a small breath, leaving Jody's side and pulling Sam for a deep hug.  
"I ain't gonna hate ya for being possessed by a fucking demon, son!" His voice sincere and determined. "You've gotta understand that none of this is your fucking fault. Damn nothing!" Sam's heart clenches and he drags his arm around his father's back. Now crying too.  
"It's just so fucking hard, dad." He says sobbing and sniffing.  
"We'll get that fucker, no matter what and then we'll send him to hell. Once and forever." Bobby says and Sam is trying to believe him. But it's like there is no hope left. No warmth and no happiness. Just the devouring feeling of guilt and fear. 

-

Sam is standing on a bridge, 150 foot above the Crimson River. Looking down into the red coloured water. His body is numb, his heart cold and his mind shut down.  
He is ready to pay for his actions, to repay his debts and to get what he deserves. Everything before the night of the 18th May doesn't matter anymore, the feeling of happiness is foreign and meaningless. Just like his former life. He doesn't deserve anything of it, not even the memory.  
He is here to die anyway. 

He steps closer to the edge, all cells in his body determined to die. He is closing his eyes, feelings the fresh breeze in his back like the wind is trying to encourage him.  
He is trying to forget those dark and frightening thoughts, pushing Sam beside. He wants to feel nothing when he dies, no guilt and pain because isn't dead supposed to be like this? He would have enough time in hell to pay for everything and now he is feeling ready.  
One final spark of the warmth of the sun and he is letting go from all cruelty and blame. 

A strong hand is gripping his shoulder, pulling him off the railing. What is that supposed to mean?  
Sam is turning his head in anger and confusion, only to look in beautiful green eyes, staring right through his heart.  
All the painful emotions are raising once again and his vision is blurring. Only a light mixture of green and red remaining in his head.

"Sam darling, it's time to wake up." He is turning his head in confusion, searching for the voice but he could only see the dark, creeping closer and closer through his mind.

-

Sam opened his eyes for a final time and spotted the familiar ceiling of Missouri's office. He lay there on the blue sofa, his eyes drained from all those quiet tears and he felt complete for the first time in nearly forever. He got his memories back, finally.  
Missouri was sitting beside him, wearing a somewhat hurt and sad expression, while watching Sam's vague movements.

"I'm ready to talk now." He said in a whispering tone, carefully lifting up and locked his determined gaze with Missouri.


	6. Be honest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam is talking to Missouri after the hypnosis session. How will he continue his life after finding out about all those hidden memories?  
> Wil he be able to face the future and the thought of getting back home?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys for the long wait. I kinda didn't really felt up to writing. Please forgive me. u.u This chapter took me a long time, since it contains a drastic development of character. I'll hope you like it anyway!  
> From now on it's going to get rough, but hey I'm always up to emotional writing!

So Sam has gotten his long missed memories finally back, sitting in Missouri's office and the woman eying him curiously.  
Sam still felt flattered about all those different kind of emotions, he had literally forgotten about sending butterflies through his belly. Not a few weeks ago he had been hundred percent sure about his past and the normal life he had been living and now everything felt so distant and fake, like his past self was a stranger he barely seemed to know. But wasn't that difficult past also a piece of him, defining his person and character like every flaw would be nothing but another step which he could use to evolve as a new, better Sam Singer? To be someone his deceased brother, his friends and his parents could be proud of, supporting him thoroughly what ever may come.  
And he wanted to be that someone. To be everything he had never been since the incident and maybe more. Someone who could cherish emotions, may they contain happiness and peace, or disturbance and anxieties. He would definitely not be the one to go down first anymore, instead someone who would be able to stand his man and act like a responsible, earnest human being. Someone who could support and truly be happy for the ones he loved.  
And love was now a reachable thing for him. Not much of the distance could be felt anymore, like those emotions were now reachable, even for a disoriented being like him.

He wanted to convince this all to Missouri and to himself, so he took a deep breath, looking into the gentle brown eyes of the woman sitting in front of him, finally raising his voice as an attempt to speak.

"I want to be honest. I want to be someone." He said convinced, holding his gaze reassuringly. Missouri nodded in response, leaning back into the blue armchair and single sparks of friendly pride twinkling in her eyes.

"I'm glad to hear that Sam. So you are ready to talk now?" She asked, a friendly smile brushing her lips and Sam nodded. He was ready through out his whole body.  
"I think we should start off with the impacts your trauma has given to you life." She stated, grabbing Sam's medical history file and licking her lips while she read it quickly.  
"Well Sam, we both know that you got quite a record here." She said, smiling jokingly. Sam was quite taken aback by this, fiddling with the hem of his shirt and shifted now uneasy on the blue comforting couch. Missouri looked at him, smiling in amusement.  
"No need to be ashamed by this." She stated friendly. "There are only a few people going through the same as you, Sam. I'm sure they haven't it much easier than you. What you've experienced was indeed very traumatic. As you know by now your mind itself has shut down, which is not surprising at all. It's only a part of your self protection. That kind of process can develop in further directions. One of them is, like in your case a temporary memory loss. Only that your mind locked them deep down within subconscious and if it weren't for the latest incident, we might as well would have never found out about it's extend." Sam listened carefully, thinking about everything Missouri has just said. She herself seemed comfortable with that topic, so Sam didn't feel like such a insane wreck he had felt like ever since the fire.  
"Your mind is trying to protect you from getting more damaged due suppressing emotions and memories which could take a breakdown or other issues with them. But in fact that isn't healthy, at least not in a long term. In the most cases the memory loss only remains short temporary after traumatic confrontations, at least until the mind is convinced that the body can handle the situation." She locked eyes with him, reading his expressions curiously.  
"In your case though, the memory loss isn't only temporary, but connected to your psyche in a very drastic manner. So I put you under hypnosis.  
Well in some cases the past is being rebuild into a more calming way, but you. Your past seemed like to be completely rebuild."  
Sam gulped down the heavy lump in his throat, though it only grew tighter. He felt too much like a fool for having his memories being locked up deep down in such a ridiculous cage. But now that didn't matter anymore, because he wanted to move on. There would be nothing to fear now, even if there still was a nagging feeling in his mind, telling him to run away. That was out of question for sure.  
"As for much I now, your mind has been in a repeating circle of self blame and repression. That wasn't clearly healthy and under the given circumstances, I am afraid to say that you're might not be able to recover properly."  
No, no, no. That wasn't what Sam wanted. He has been so sure about being able to heal and move forward. Missouri seemed to notice his trouble. She let out a deep sigh and focused on the documents once more, humming a little while reading.  
"What do you think Sam?" She asked, not lifting her gaze from the paper.

He pulled a deep breath and eyed Missouri determined. "I want to heal. No matter under what circumstances I may be. And no matter what obstacles are waiting for me. This is important, as important as my memories are and as the feeling of happiness is."

Missouri looked up from the papers and smiled contentious. "That's what I wanted to hear sweetheart." She said cheerfully and Sam blushed a little as this, suppressing a proud smile.  
"So I want you to talk about good things in your life as well as those in your memory."

Sam leaned back in the comforting sofa as he thought about that thoroughly. All those memories were so mixed up and confusing that he took some serious time to pick one out accurately.  
"Well- I'm not sure, but the nightmare I talked about earlier- I think it might be from a real memory." A small smile curled his lips as he thought about it.  
"I was at the lake with my parents and Michael. I was about eight I think and Michael and l were playing at the shore, collecting some pretty shells and to be honest -" he stretched his back in exciting embarrassment, "it was the best thing to feel in the last years." Smiling sheepishly he avoided Missouri's gaze and huffed a quiet laugh with all that new warmth filling his body. Like he was actually meant to be happy for once.  
"I can't imagine to possibly forget about something like that." He admitted.

Missouri shifted in her seat, standing up and facing Sam, taking both of his cheeks in her hands and presenting a genuinely smile.  
"You may now understand why memories are of such an importance for human beings. You were down on the deep, dark ground of regret and guilt, but you need to understand that life doesn't contain such things as only black and white, there's always a way in between." She said, rubbing soothing circles on Sam's cheek and smiling reassuringly.  
Sam nodded at this, gathering all courage to say what he was about to say.

"I also -" mild panic rose in his chest, but he decided to ignore it, "relived Michael's death." Small breaths were escaping his mouth, and he tried to focus on the purpose of this one.  
"There are many things I don't quite understand and the whole night didn't represent itself in my 'dream', but I was able to remember one important thing." He smiled a little while searching for Missouri's gaze. The small woman took place beside him, her expression now filled with curiosity.  
"At the time he died, he said something. He told me he loved me." Tears were rolling down his cheeks, but not sad ones.  
"I think I ignored this, since my mind was too busy blaming itself." He said jokingly, wiping away the built up tears with his sleeve.  
"He was fucking dying but he said such thing, in a situation his own brother turning onto him." Sarcastic laughs were filling his voice and once more he pictured his little brother. Wisps of blond hair hanging sheepishly into the small face and blue eyes following his movements. And he smiled into this image.  
"If he was strong enough, than I will be too." Locking gazes with Missouri and now grinning he decided to move on. Away from depression and anxiety. Just like his little brother would.  
Missouri eyed him understandingly, still a little bit taken aback by his words. She shook her head while chuckling and stood up from her spot, returning to the blue armchair.

"You Singers are sure something." She stated gladly, which made Sam's smile even bigger.  
She hummed in contentment, eying Sam friendly while scribbling some notes on the board.

To his own surprise he arched back, eyes growing wide. Missouri looked at him questionably.  
"Oh shit -" he stated confused and a little angry at himself, "I only thought about it now." Clearing his throat he ran a hand through his hair, gaze shifting in excitement.  
"I totally forgot about it, but seems like I had a girlfriend before the incident."  
Missouri's expression was now unreadable, what Sam ignored while putting his thoughts in order.  
"Her name is Jess, she has moved to London. How could I possibly forget about a person, no about a girlfriend?" His gaze shooting up to Missouri, now noticing her knowing expression. His eyebrow shot up in confusion at that sight and he leaned back, huffing a breath in understanding.  
"You already knew." He stated. Now kind of pissed. Why should Missouri not let him know about such a thing? All this time he had felt like love was nothing, never once. And wow, he had lived without any knowledge about this and all those other things, blind for what he has once had.  
Missouri moved uneasy in her chair, not letting once break the gaze with Sam.

"There are things important to hide in your state of mind." She said. "I had a talk to your parents after your first visit. They told me about things you already had seemed to forget. They told me about your girlfriend as well."  
'So they all knew' he thought, gritting his teeth.  
"You have to understand that those things could have been a danger for your mind and health. So I asked them to not mention any of your past, so you wouldn't get confused or forced to remember things which could most likely cause you a long term damage." She explained, calming Sam's nerves.  
"Well now you are past that, so I don't see any reason why not informing you about the process."  
Sam listened carefully, wanting to understand every detail.  
"You're diagnosed with a mental sickness called 'post traumatic stress disorder', or short ptsd. Like I explained before, it's a self protection process, performed by your very own mind in order to not break down."  
Sam nodded, replaying what she said.  
"It's a pretty drastic manner, in your case though. There are people, where ptsd develops in other ways. Like temporary muteness, or panic attacks. It differs from every individual. And like that there are different kind of adjustments necessary to help the individual to heal. In your case it was a absolute taboo to mention any suppressed memories and presenting you a normal life without any distractions. Also it's complicated to say which topics are remaining untouched in your head, while others are erased or only half accessible." She concluded, now smiling again. 

Sam wasn't really sure what to think about this whole matter, but eventually realising that it was laying past him. Like everything else.  
"I'm grateful for that." He answered. Like all those possible disasters that could've happened to him, he realised by now that only thanks to Missouri, his family and friends those could've been avoided. His anger was now fading away and once more he was aware of the greatness surrounding all those people.  
"I've got pretty good luck with you, my family and friends though." He added with a chuckle. Missouri smiled at that.  
"Now that I think about it, what'll happen to my daily life - now that I'm aware of, well mostly anything?" He asked, a little bit worried about the future.  
Missouri leaned back once more, thinking about Sam's question, wearing a concerned expression.

"Well sweetie, I'm afraid this is up to you. What do you expect?" She asked, smiling friendly  
Sam huffed a little, thinking everything through.  
"Well most likely I would like to return to 'normal', but this'll not happen anytime soon." He stated, looking outside the window. "You should know my friends are awesome, even though I'm a little disappointed that they all kinda lied to me." He chuckled again, the last part more jokingly. Missouri hummed in understanding while huffing a little laugh, presenting Sam a little smile.  
"I know that they just wanted to protect me, so I'm not really disappointed." He grinned. "They're just like family to me, you know? And I'm aware of their protectiveness. Just dunno - It's like the past two years have been a sort of movie or something. Like I was there, but not really. And that saddens me."  
Missouri nodded, letting Sam continue.  
"But now I'll change that. And I may as well change as a person, but hey - Changes are not that bad. I think we'll come up with new memories, real ones this time." He smiled at the thought of that.

"Yes I'm sure you will." Missouri said, smiling at Sam's optimism. "Well your chaotic bunch of friends would call me everyday the past month, trying to get you out of here. Like it's some kind of prison." She laughed. Sam could picture that very well and started grinning too.  
"I heard something about a party for you." She stated, lifting a brow in amusement. "May be a good start for you into a new life." Sam's grin widened at that. A party was definitely something he needed right now.  
"Eventually there are some cute girls to hook you up with." Missouri said jokingly. Sam blushed a little at that, figuring that his friends definitely had invited some.  
"Good point to start, love could help you to evolve from your current mind set. There's someone you're interested in right now?" She asked, wearing a motherly smile. 

"Well since I thought the past two years about me as a asexual, before learning eventually about my past girlfriend -", he shot a small gaze at Missouri, "I never really considered anyone as potential love interest. Of course there are attractive people around, but how should I put it? No one caught my attention, besides -", he bit his lip, unsure if he should actually talk with Missouri about that.  
She eyed him curiously, seeming to read his troubled expression.  
He figured since Missouri was aware of demons and stuff, she may as well be okay with his confusing feelings.  
"There's someone - well I'm not even sure if this has anything to do with romance, but I think I may have taken a liking to /him/." He looked up curious about Missouri's expression, since he mentioned the male gender. She looked at him in amusement, curiosity laying in her gaze. She didn't seem a bit troubled, so he just went on, unsure of how this would develop.  
"His name 's Dean. New guy at school. Acting all tough and closed up. But I think there's something under that rough skin, which is constantly nagging me. Like why is he acting this way? He'll always pull pranks on me or commenting on my actions. Like what? Are we in kindergarten or something?" He smiled, thinking about all those pranks. "At first sight though, I was taken aback by his looks. He's very handsome, with his perfect grin, always lighting up his whole face. And the way he smiles, it would always be emphasised by his green eyes, which seem like constantly changing their colours. Every emotion readable through his eyes. He even got freckles!" He could always go on about just how beautiful Dean was and he nearly blabbered on, before stopping himself by reminding himself of Dean's cold, most rude attitude.  
"But at second thought he's a rude jerk, only paying attention to his own well being. Provoking me like we're in grade school!" He laughed at the ridiculous thoughts. "I could never like someone like him. Well and in addition to that I'm not gay, or bi. I was just distracted by his look." He concluded, content with that excuse.  
Missouri was laughing slightly, hammering with her fingertips against the board.

"Gender doesn't matter dear. And I think that this Dean may as well has his own package to carry." She chuckled. "Maybe he's just acting this way so no one gets near to him. His way to treat you may as well could be his own way of showing his will to be friends, or more." She added smilingly.  
"You should try befriending him. Or opening up for love in general. This could be a good chance to develop new bonds of trust. To get rid of your social awkwardness."  
Sam thought about this, leaving it as an option. Maybe Dean really wanted to be friends. That was when Sam crossed a thought.  
"But I hit him." He stated gloomy.

"A small fight could always be a good start of a great friendship." Missouri reassured him, while looking at the clock. She rose one eyebrow, standing up from the chair, only to put a hand on Sam's shoulder.  
"Honey the future is up to you." She smiled. "I want you to try opening up to people, that'll be your homework." She added chuckling, stroking gently through Sam's hair. Sam's eyes widened at this, taking one second to realise the meaning of those words.  
"I can go home?" He asked, a feeling of utterly joy filling his stomach.  
"Yes Sam, you did well. I'll be talking to your parents and you will be back home by eight." She concluded and with that their session was over, leaving Sam with a feeling of pride and excitement.

"I'm going home." A smile curling over his lips.


End file.
